1100 – Unwrap the box. Oh crap. That box is to thin to hold a 3 foot tall house
1105 – Open the box. GAH! This isn’t Barbie’s Dreamhouse, this is Parents nightmare!!!
1110 – Alright. All the pieces are laid out on the floor. Where are the instructions? D#$#MIT where are the instructions!?!?!?. Oh. There they are. In that little bag with all the small parts (insert whiney voice in my imagination = ”MORE THAN 50 FUN ACCESSORIES!!” ) and sheet of stickers that look like they will rip a the slightest tug of my cromag nubby fingers.
1112 – Read Instructions: Lets see… German, French, Italian, Chinese, Klingon, oh, here’s the english. Lets get a crack’n
1115: Set up right, and insert (heh…heh-heh, insert) elevator cable into floor. Which side goes on top? Oh, right. The one that looks like Optimus Prime’ head.
1120. Assemble first floor. Now I have to say, this is some smart design right here. They labeled all of the columns – all 234355225 of them – with barbie symbols to show where they go. You is one smart lady Barbie!
1130 – Insert (heh) elevator. Done. And I have snapped Optimus’s head in the slot where it is shown in the Swahili instructions. Smooth going from here on out.
1138 – Step 5 (WHAT THE – WE ARE ONLY ON STEP 5?!?!?) Oh, I guess these ink-splats are more instructions, not a Rorshack test. Try to guess what pieces are depicted in the overly ink saturated images, and place them in the spots which are also oversaturated in ink.
1140 – After examination with my dot-gain coverage magnifying glass I’ve determined it want’s me to install Barbie’s Toliet. The one that claims to have realistic sound effects. Wondering is that just the flush noise, or, since this is the all inclusive Dreamhouse, also include “burrito night” effects as well? Guess only time will tell. Off to install the toilet
11:48 – Still looking for barbie’s toliet. You’re not fooling me Barbie. EVERYbody uses the can. Every… body
11:51 – ok. So it was already installed. Barbie must have heard about my plumbing skills. On to more columns, which are no problem because Barbie is an industrial designer and had the forsite to clearly label all of the pieces.
11:56 – all the columns are in place, and it was no problem. In fact if I had realized I dropped a column on the floor and hadn’t had to look for it at the 11:52 mark I would have had them done much quicker. Side note – how does my daughter’s toy rate the glass enclosure for her shower when I’m rocking the Walmart Vinyl sheet covered in laughing Strawberry Shortcake faces? Do you realize what that can do to a guy’s self esteem to be laughed at by Strawberry Shortcake while in the shower? Oh well, on to the third floor.
12:08 – The Third Floor is done. Pink shag carpet, a little poodle looking rat dog and of course, Barbie’s name spelled out in pink lights. Glad to see she has remained humble through it all. On to the elevator cabling which is scaring me a bit. The string attached to that one piece (not Optimus’s head, the one that looks like Omega Supreme’s melon) looks way to short…
12:22: After a bit of frustration and cussing,trying to figure out why the Chandeller didnt fit, where was it’s bracket, and for what possible reason does barbie need a chandeller in her bedroom, two things happened. I realized I had the WRONG chandeller (although not sure what the spare is for), and the bracket came happily tumbling out of a pile of paper I was going to throw away. I still haven’t figured out the answer to the third question. Anyway, Chandeller installed.
12:27: I see now. That bedroom Chandeller can ALSO go into the living room at Barbie’s descression, and the other one goes into the Kitchen over the table. I don’t actually see a table though. All I see is a bag of parts that looks like someone took a baseball bat TO a table. Yay. That thing looks more complicated than when I put our real table together. Guess I better get to it. Right after the elevator cabling AKA the string craft project from my darkest dreams.
12:28: NOOOOOO!!!!!!! I SNAPPED IN OPTIMUS’S HEAD IN THE WRONG DIRECTION!!!!! DARN YOU INK SATURATED INSTRUCTIONS!!!!!
12:39: Alrighty. Nothing a set of jeweler’s tools couldn’t take care of. Optimus’s head is inserted (snicker) into the right hole and the cables are restrung. Barbie’s elevator works like, well, a dream. Furnature time!
12:41: After laying out the furnature pieces, stickers, etc, maybe its because its late, but I find myself wanting to live in the Dreamhouse. Sure, there’s a lot of pink but the flatscreen TV is killer, the tub is huge and maybe I can have the “BARBIE” lightbulb sign changed to “STEVE”. Just imagine it; STEVE spelled out in bright pink lightbulbs. Oh well. I best get back to it so I can return to my Strawberry Shortcake taunted reality.
12:48: Crap. That wasn’t packing plastic. It was Barbie’s bed canopy support. BRB – gotta rifle through some bags.
12:52: Found it! Also during this time my parents walked in. Mom just asked me “so how are are you going to get that upstairs? “DON’T BOTHER ME WITH DETAILS!!!!!” I’m sure it won’t be any problem at all. Worse case scenerio Barbie has one of those trendy Geo Thermal buried places. Back to Barbie’s Bed.
12:53: That just sounded so wrong somehow
13:12: After realizing there were two canopy support beams for Barbie’s bed and one was missing, I once again went rifling through boxes. I finally found it after shining a flash light into the packaging box and noticing it stuck between two cardboard flaps. After that it was smooth sailing with the rest of it. Barbie’s Dream House of Horrors is almost done. Just need to apply the stickers. Of course its tempting to say “Look Gwynna, free stickers!!!!” But no, I’m seeing this through. You will get your Dream house Barbie!
13:24: I’m calling BS - the flatscreen pops up from behind the fireplace? That would RUIN the TV! Oh, wait, I think she’s an engineer as well. Nevermind.
13:38: Through a minor miracle I got all of the stickers on without any mistakes. A first. Most of my kids toys have lopsided smiles, wrinkly flowers, folded pillow patterns, well, you get the idea. For a fleeting moment I get the mental image of my son picking off my perfectly applied stickers, followed by the image of him being shipped off to Siberia. Quickly shaking that thought out of my head, I do a final inspection.
1:41: DONE!!!! I have to say, that I feel like I am now part of that elite brotherhood of homebuilders that are able to put up complete neighborhoods before breakfast. Bob Villa is now my homeboy. I might just call him up to play putt-putt golf tomorrow. But more importantly, it is all worth it because know in a few hours my kids will run out to the tree and see the Barbie Dream house, a new bike, and all sorts of new things that Santa brought. I’m not going to kid myself. In 5 years most of these things will have been forgotten. Selfishly speaking however, I will have the best gift of all – the looks of pure happiness and magical excitement of a 3 and 6 year old on Christmas morning. A memory that I get to cherish forever. Good night everybody, and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!